The List
by AshleyNicole86
Summary: It's one year after the Cullens left, and Bella gets some bad news. How will she cope?
1. Chapter 1

**New story, enjoy!

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**Prologue**

I looked at the rising sun and smiled. Today was going to be a good day. I no longer took good days for granted, and I no longer despised the bad ones. They were just a part of life, and any part of life I could have was fine with me.

I didn't have very many days of any type left.

**Six months earlier**

I stared at the doctor uncomprehendingly for a second and then glanced at my dad. He had an expression that must have matched mine. "What does that mean?" he asked the doctor.

"It means Mr. Swan, that Bella has a rare type of cancer. It's called T-cell prolymphocytic leukemia. T-PLL for short. It's hard to treat but we have a few options…" He kept talking but I stopped listening. If this would have happened a year it would have been no problem at all. A year ago I would've been made immortal. Now that option was gone and I knew I had no hope of finding it again. _He_ said it would be like he had never existed, and it was for the most part. But even _he_ couldn't erase my memory of what could have been.

"If we do all that, the chemo and other treatments, if we can find a bone marrow donor, what are her chances of living a normal life?" My dad asked. This drew me back into the conversation. I wanted to know how long I had.

"Mr. Swan, Bella, I'm sorry, best case scenario is about five years." He has a kind face and I want to be mad but I can't get up the energy.

Five years of poison and hospital beds. Of needles and nausea. "And if I choose not to do anything?" I asked. Charlie's face went hard and he glared at me.

"Three months, six on the outside. Of those, you'll feel alright for maybe a month to four months."

I nodded and stood. "Thank you." I walked towards the door and opened it.

"Bella, what are you doing? Get back here, you heard the doctor, you need to be admitted." Charlie said gruffly.

"No dad, I need to go live while I can." I made it to my truck and all the way to La Push without breaking down. Jake bounded out of the woods clad only in shorts and a smile automatically graced my face. I got out of my truck and hugged Jake tightly.

Jacob had saved me, there was no other way to look at it. I had closed down and shut off when _he _had left me. I was alive but I wasn't living. Jake had helped me live again. It had started with the crazy stuff, the bikes and cliff diving. Anything to hear _his_ voice. Eventually the voice had stopped, but by then it was too late. I was happy again. No not the same way I had been with _him,_ but happy all the same.

Jake bent his head and captured my mouth with his. I let my arms wind around his neck and kissed him hard, throwing myself into it like I'd never let myself do before. Jake didn't miss my reaction.

He pulled away and looked down at me, "Bells what's wrong?" I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the beach. I plopped down at the sand and watched the sun start to set.

"I'm dying."

Jake groaned, "Bells we've been over this before. You're not dying, you just might not live forever. I thought you were over this whole bloodsucker thing."

I smiled at him, "No Jake. I am dying. I have a rare form of Leukemia."

Jake looked at me for a minute, "that's not funny Bells."

"I'm not joking Jake." I tried to smile again but it was weak. I watched Jakes face change and he started shaking.

"So what fixes it?" I could tell he was trying to control himself but that he was having trouble.

I shook my head, "I could do a combination of chemo and other treatments, I would be sick, lose my hair. After that I would need a bone marrow transplant…but that's only if we could find a donor…which is hard. All of that could _possibly_ give me five years."

"That's not…it's not enough. That can't be right," Jake was shaking harder now and I knew he would need to phase soon.

"It doesn't matter Jake. I'm not trying that. I want to live, not survive."

"What's that mean Bella?"

"It means that I'm going to die soon."

"You cannot give up Bella," Jake said, his voice was dangerously low. He was close to coming undone.

I knew it was odd for me to have accepted my fate so readily. I knew I should be angry, be in disbelief, something. But I wasn't. Who was I to argue with fate? Fate had brought me to Edward. It had brought me to Jake. I'd had my happiness and now it was time to move on.

"I'm not giving up Jake, but I don't want to die without living first. So I'm going to live as much as I can."

Jake was shaking violently now. "How long Bella?"

"If I'm lucky? Six months." Cloth exploded around me, I was glad he hadn't been wearing shoes. Billy was having a hard time replacing everything Jake reduced to shreds. Wolf Jake gave me a look and I nodded at him to go. He needed to get off the beach. He couldn't be seen, it would be very bad. He took off for the woods and I walked back to his house. Billy was waiting on the porch.

"Charlie called. I'm sorry Bella."

I gave Billy a hug. "I was never going to live forever Billy." Billy raised an eyebrow at me and I giggled, "Okay, maybe at one point it was a possibility." I sighed, "Jake didn't take it well. I'm going wait for him in his room, if that's okay?" Billy nodded and I made my way to Jake's tiny room.

I curled up on his bed. There was so much I wanted to do. A hundred things ran through my head and so I got up and grabbed a spiral notebook and pen from Jakes abandoned book bag. I flipped to a fresh page and started writing everything I wanted to do down, whether it was feasible or not.

I fell asleep after I finished my list and when I woke up the sun was down. Too much time wasted. I turned to see Jake lounging beside me, reading my list. I knew I should be embarrassed. Number five was, after all, to make love. Then there was number sixteen, get married. But I couldn't be embarrassed, not over the life I wanted to live.

"I'm going to do as many as I can," I said quietly. Jake looked up, somewhat startled.

"Hey Bells. Are you sure about this?" He held up the list with a sigh. "Couldn't you at least try the drugs and bone marrow thing?"

"No Jake. I want to spend whatever time I have left doing the things on that list. Not lying in some hospital bed too weak to move," I made sure my voice was firm. I knew that if I softened on this, even a little, I would be hooked up to machines in a heartbeat.

"Get a hold of _them_ then. Make them change you."

I was shocked he'd even suggest it. "Even if I could Jake…_he_ doesn't want me. You wouldn't want me. I couldn't see my family. That's not living anymore than what I'll be doing Jake. I should go home, check on my dad," I didn't want to leave Jake but I knew I needed to go. I pressed my lips to his quickly and moved to climb over him. He captured me and pulled me to him tightly.

"I love you Isabella Marie Swan. We'll start working on your list tomorrow."

"Thanks Jake. I love you too." I left Jake sitting in his room looking like his best friend had just died. The irony wasn't lost on me.

I left my truck and hopped onto my bike. A little recklessness wouldn't hurt now. I didn't think Charlie would complain. And if he did…well too bad.

I rode home a little too fast and found my dad still up, watching some stupid infomercial.

"Hey Dad."

"Are you okay Bella?"

"No, I'm dying."

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**Give me some love? Or not?**


	2. Chapter 2

**New Chapter finally, hopefully I'll be updating faster, but with...uh...9(?) stories its slow going. :)**

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Charlie looked at me and I could tell he was still holding out hope for a miracle. It made me sad for him, because I'd already had my fair share of miracles. I wouldn't be getting any more.

"I'm going to take some time off work Bella," Charlie said gruffly.

I shook my head, "Not yet Dad…Jake is helping me with some stuff for the next few days. You should go to work while you can. And Dad? Don't tell Mom yet please." Charlie started to protest but I shook my head again, "Not yet. We'll tell her before…before it gets bad."

Charlie nodded and gave me a half hearted smile. "After you left the doctor gave me some information. He said eating healthy, taking vitamins and relaxing will make things easier on you." He handed me a few pamphlets and I said goodnight so I could make my way upstairs.

I flipped on my light and started slightly. Jake was sitting on the edge of my bed. He looked up at me and I could see tears streaming down his face. It threw me for a minute. It was easy to forget that even though Jake looked like he was in his twenties, he was really barely seventeen.

"Oh, Jakey!" I settled myself in his lap and wrapped my arms around him. "It's going to be okay Jake."

Jake grabbed my shoulders roughly and pushed me away so he could look in my eyes. "It's not going to be okay Bells. You're nineteen. You are not supposed to die!"

"You think I don't know that Jake? A year ago I was expecting to, well, if not live, exist forever. And now I won't live to see twenty. So you're right Jake. It's not okay. But it is what it is. I'm not going to waste what little time I have sulking." I took a breath. "Jake, I need to know that you'll be okay when I'm gone."

Jake sighed and nodded sullenly, pulling me back against him. I didn't protest when he started kissing my neck or when he laid me down on the bed. He covered my body with his and trailed kisses down my neck. He was murmuring in Quileute in my ear.

"English Jake, English," I moaned softly.

"I love you Bella. Will you marry me?" He continued kissing me, soft pecks on my cheeks and forehead while he looked into my eyes. I didn't say anything right away and so he continued on, "I know what you're thinking Bells. You're too young, I'm too young. But that doesn't matter anymore Bella. It's on your list Bells."

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Please," I answer. "Soon." It has to be soon, there is no other option at this point.

"Saturday? We can go get rings and take care of paperwork tomorrow," Jake offered. I nodded and Jake settled next to me and wrapped me in his hot arms.

When I woke up it was to Charlie scowling at Jake and I. Jake was snoring loudly and I raised my eyebrow at Charlie. I doubted he wanted to make an issue of this now. I elbowed Jake in the ribs gently and he sat up suddenly. "WHAT?!" He looked around, "Oh sorry. Hey Charlie. Morning Bells. What's for breakfast?"

I giggled and even Charlie chuckled, "I'm leaving for work, you two gonna be okay?" Translation: Bella, you're not going to die or have sex right?

"Yeah, we're going to do some errands today," I said. No need to tell him that they involved ring shopping and getting a marriage license. I needed to call Renee. That was one call I wasn't at all looking forward to. She was going to break down and freak out.

Charlie nodded and kissed me on the forehead before leaving. I sighed and laid back down, facing Jake. I let my hands run idly over the muscles of his stomach, and felt him tense underneath my touch. I spent a few minutes tracing the outline of his abs with my fingers and then tongue.

"Bells…not nice to tease," Jake said through clenched teeth.

I smiled and bit his hip gently, "Not teasing Jake." He let out a light moan and pulled me on top of him.

"We've waited this long Bella, we can last another few days," he said and kissed me gently. I could feel him hard in between my thighs along with the wetness that was pooling there.

"Damn virtuous men." I mumbled and rolled off of him. I stalked to the shower with the sound of Jake's throaty laugh following me. I showered quickly, knowing that I needed to call Renee as soon as possible so she could get plane tickets. Should I tell her over the phone? Or wait until she gets here? Both seemed cruel and too hard. How do you tell your mother that she's going to outlive you?

I got out and went back into my room. Jake was on the laptop I'd gotten for Christmas and glanced up, "You're mom called your cell phone three times. I answered on the third time to tell her you were in the shower. She said to call her back ASAP," Jake said.

"Okay. Watcha looking at?" I asked.

Jake looked up and frowned at me, "It's a surprise. No peeking."

A surprise? Hmm, that was only slightly worrisome. A few weeks ago it would have totally freaked me out, but after yesterday I was less easily rattled. I picked up my phone and called my mom back.

"Bella? Honey?" My mom's voice was filled with excitement and I could practically see her buzzing around the house. Crap. I didn't want to ruin her good day.

"Hi Mom, what's up?"

"I'm going to have a baby!" I dropped my phone, Jake's arm shot out and he caught it and gave it back to me without looking up from the laptop.

"You're pregnant?" I asked. I thought I couldn't be surprised anymore. I was wrong. I was glad. My mom wouldn't lose her only child. I didn't let her respond, "Mom that's great! I'm so happy for you! And Phil!"

She babbled happily at me while Jake gave me stern looks. "Mom do you think you could fly here by Saturday?" I interjected.

"Why Bella?"

"Jake and I are getting married. And I need to talk to you about something," I tried to make my tone as happy and un-alarming as possible. And I was happy to be marrying Jake, it was the other part that ruined it.

"Isabella Marie Swan, are you pregnant?" My mom asked.

I groaned, "No Mom, I'm not pregnant."

"Then why are you getting married? And what do you need to talk to me about?" Crap. She would never let up on this now.

"Mom, I went to the doctor yesterday. I'm sick." I heard her breath hitch but she didn't say anything. "I have Leukemia Mom."

"So you have to have Chemotherapy?" She asked.

I sighed, "we're doing everything we can Mom." It was a small fib, but one I thought would help.

"Bella what are you saying?" Her voice was shaky now, all of her excitement gone.

"I'm saying I'd like you and Phil to be here when I get married on Saturday."

I heard her typing and knew she was looking at plane tickets. "There's a flight getting into Sea-Tac tomorrow at 4pm. We'll rent a car and drive to Forks."

"No, Jake and I will pick you up. I need to do some stuff in Seattle anyway. Call me when you land. I love you mom."

"Bella should I be worried?"

Another lie? "No Mom, I don't want you to be worried." And that was the truth. We said our goodbyes and I snapped my phone shut and looked at Jake with a smile, "My Mom's having a baby."

"I heard, congrats big sister." Jake plopped a kiss on my head and I finished getting ready. I didn't say anything but the chances of me actually meeting my sister or brother weren't very good.

I grabbed my birth certificate to take with me to the county office where we would get our marriage certificate. "I hope your Dad is home." I said to Jake and he looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "Your Dad has to go with us to Port Angeles, Jake. He'll need to sign something to say you can get married. You're only seventeen." I didn't say that I'd knew this because I'd looked it up when I was seventeen. "I'll tell Billy if you tell Charlie," I said to Jake as I walked down the stairs.

"Not a chance in hell," Jake said with a smile. "So…the wedding…?"

"Small? On the cliffs? Bon fire after? Angela's Dad could marry us?" I made it all a question. I wanted Jake's input.

"If that's what you want Bells. I'll even wear a tux for you."

"We might have to start the honeymoon early if I get to see you in a tux." I teased.

My truck was still at Jake's, and he'd run here last night so Jake climbed onto my bike and settled behind him, my hands splayed on his bare stomach, my body pressed to his. He took off and I pressed my face against his back so I would be partially shielded from the wind.

The drive to La Push was short and we were greeted by Jake's pack. They, of course, knew everything and I was given a round of hugs. Billy wheeled himself out onto the porch, Sue and Leah walking out behind him.

Jake and I joined them, Jake grinning like an idiot. "Dad could you come with Bella and I to Port Angeles now?" He asked.

"Well that would depend why we're going?" Billy said with a grin.

"Bella and I are getting married, Saturday," Jake said quietly. Apparently not quietly enough because a cheer went up behind us and there was another round of hugs, this time accompanied with congratulations.

"We really need to get a move on Jake." I said with a grin.

Jake nodded and we got Billy into the truck. I sat in the middle and Jake slid into the driver's seat again. He'd done some work on the truck and it drove at sixty fairly easily now, although seventy was pushing it. Jake liked to push it.

"We need to stop at the Cullen's house." I said without looking at either Jake or Billy.

Jake let out a little growl, "Why?" I shook my head but smiled. It would be easier to explain when I had what I needed to get. I heard a low rumble in Jake's throat. He didn't know that once I month I went to the Cullen's house.

I directed Jake to the house but held up my hand when he started to follow me inside.

I walked into the Cullen's house and breathed in the musty air. It always hurt me to come here. To see that they no longer lived here. Somehow I always hoped to find one of them, or all of them back and happy. Usually I was dropping something off when I stopped here. Today I was both dropping off and picking up. I went upstairs to Carlisle's office and found it much the same; only the books and paintings were gone.

I sat in the desk chair and found a pen and some stationary.

Edward,

In the end it wasn't being around a monster that killed me, it was being without one.

I'm not blaming you. Exactly the opposite. See you were always afraid that my being with you would get me killed, instead it was being without you.

So I think you're wrong about you going to hell too. I'll be waiting for you wherever I am Edward. Don't follow too soon. I love you.

Bella

I sealed the letter in an envelope and printed Edward's name on the front. I grabbed the box containing all of the scholarship money and dropped the envelope on Edwards's piano. Eventually, maybe years from now or maybe decades or centuries, he would find it and he would know that I loved him.

Jake jogged over to take the heavy box from me. It was a fireproof lock box and it contained 650 one hundred dollar bills. It was all 65,000 dollars that had been sent in the name of the "scholarship" fund that I knew Edward had set up. It wasn't even a good cover story.

I sighed and hopped into the truck, Jake helped Billy in and then went to his side. He took the box from me and I didn't object when he popped the lid. He looked at me wide eyed. "What the hell is this?"

"Our future." He didn't seem convinced by this answer. "It's money that Edward has sent to me every month." I hadn't been planning to use it, but it would come in handy now. Jake didn't say anything more about it and the rest of our drive was quiet.

The marriage license was easy to get, now we had a three days waiting period. Jake had an address written down but wouldn't tell me where we were going. He pulled into a space in front of a tattoo parlor and I looked up at him, "Are you sure? tattoos are permanent…and I'm not…"

I heard the familiar unhappy rumbling in Jake's throat as he hopped out of the truck. "I love you Bells. If you don't want to do this you don't have too…"

"No! I do!" I said quickly. I just didn't want him stuck with a reminder of me forever when I wouldn't be around for even a year. Still this was his decision so I followed him into the tattoo shop and smiled. Anything for Jake to be happy.

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	3. Chapter 3

**Enjoy please!

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The thin silver band slid over my finger and came to rest right below my tattoo and I felt my life slide into place after it. This was all I needed now. I had Jake, I had my family. We were pronounced man and wife and Jake leaned in to kiss me. I wrapped my arms around him and wrapped my legs around his waist as he picked me up to spin me around.

There were some hoots and hollers from the wolves and I blushed. Jake put me down and held my hand as we walked out of the church.

What had started as a super simple ceremony had morphed into more once my mom had arrived and taken over. Her pregnancy didn't seem to slow her down at all and before I knew it we had a limo, flowers and a cake. I'd held adamant to the fact I wanted to have the reception on the cliffs with bonfires though and she'd acquiesced. I think Charlie may have told her more about my illness than I had, she was being especially cheery around me.

I slid into the limo with Jake and the wedding party, which consisted of Angela, Emily, Leah, Quil, Embry and Sam along with my parents, Phil and Billy. Neither of Jake's sisters could come on such short notice but it didn't seem to dampen his spirits any. Before I knew it we were dancing under a sheer canopy of gauze underneath the stars.

Jakes gracefulness never failed to amaze me. He was so large that you expected him to lumber around looking uncomfortable in his own skin. Instead he seemed to move without conscious effort or thought. Even I seemed more graceful when I was with him.

The night passed quickly and soon Jake was leading me through the thick woods at the edge of the cliffs. We wound our way through until we came to a stop in front of a small stone cottage. I didn't say anything as Jake picked me up bridal style and carried me over the threshold. There was a living room with a couch and chair, a small flat screen TV and bookshelves, which seemed to be filled with all my books. We moved to the kitchen and I couldn't help but grin, it was small but perfect, solid wood cabinets and stainless steel appliance and a natural stone counter top. There was a small dining room table and chairs that were gorgeous. We moved back to a bedroom and I grinned, there was a huge bed that would just about fit Jake and a large armoire in one corner. A door led to a bathroom with a huge stand up shower and soaking tub. I turned to Jake, "So…you rented this?" I asked.

He sat me on the edge of the bed and stood in between my legs. "Nope. I built it. Well, the guys helped me. We did most everything, built the furniture, the shelves, cabinets…" Jake said, he took a breath and continued, "I've been working for some guys to save money for the appliances and stuff, your dad helped me after I told him I wanted to finish it for you. It was just for me to start off with…I'm sorry if it's not very…plush…"

I stared at Jake in astonishment, "You did this? Jake…this place…it's amazing…" I was crying suddenly and then Jake was kissing my tears away.

"Don't cry Bells! I'm glad you like it." I stared into Jake's eyes through my own teary ones and couldn't help but smile. He made everything better. He stepped back and pulled me off the bed, I was turned around and he laid a kiss on my neck while unbuttoning the long row of buttons on my dress. It fell to the floor once it was unbuttoned and I turned to face Jake in my lacy underwear and bra. I felt my whole body flush as Jake's eyes wondered over me. His eyes held mine as he shrugged out of his jacket and unbuttoned his shirt. I stepped out of my dress and he picked me up and set me on the edge of the bed again. I scooted back until I was against the headboard and watched him crawl on the bed. He moved towards me like a wolf stalking his prey, which is exactly what I was.

I had three great months after that. Three months of roller coasters, boat rides, skydiving, rock climb, and traveling. Three months of Jake. And then I got a cold. The cold turned in to bronchitis and strep throat and a double ear infection. Things changed after that. I was usually tired and often sick. But I was alive.

The sun was almost up, the sky wasn't tinged pink anymore. I put in my earbuds and turned on my iPod as it started to rain.

**I close both locks below the window**

**I close both blinds and turn away**

**Sometimes solutions aren't so simple**

**Sometimes goodbye's the only way**

**And the sun will set for you**

**The sun will set for you**

**And the shadow of the day**

**Will embrace the world in grey**

**And the sun will set for you**

**Pink cards and flowers on your window**

**Your friends all plead for you to stay**

**Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple**

**Sometimes goodbye's the only way**

**And the sun will set for you**

**The sun will set for you**

**And the shadow of the day**

**Will embrace the world in grey**

**And the sun will set for you**

**And the shadow of the day**

**Will embrace the world in grey**

**And the sun will set for you**

Jake is suddenly next to me and he takes my iPod out of my jacket and fiddles with it. The sun is up but it's cloudy now and darker than when I came out but I won't leave. Jake will need to go run now and I'd rather be out here in the rain then inside. It can't do much harm now. Jake kisses me softly and he's off in a heartbeat.

**Sometimes I wish I could save you**

**And there're so many things that I want you to know**

**I won't give up till it's over**

**If it takes you forever I want you to know**

**When I hear your voice**

**Its drowning in a whisper**

**It's just skin and bones**

**There's nothing left to take**

**And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better**

**If only I could find the answer**

**To help me understand**

**Sometimes I wish I could save you**

**And there're so many things that I want you to know**

**I won't give up till it's over**

**If it takes you forever I want you to know**

**That if you fall, stumble down**

**I'll pick you up off the ground**

**If you lose faith in you**

**I'll give you strength to pull through**

**Tell me you won't give up**

**'cause I'll be waiting if you fall**

**Oh you know I'll be there for you**

**If only I could find the answer**

**To take it all away**

It's odd, how even after all this time I know he's here. I don't turn to look or take out my earbuds. "It's too late," I say and fold my arms over my knees. I lay down my head and I don't bother looking to see if I'm right. I know I am. And it only confirms it when my earbuds are ripped out, my iPod jerked off and thrown over the edge.

His voice is like a melody in my ear and my body jerks unconsciously towards him. Why now? "It's not too late Bella."

I look towards him and smile, "Edward. You weren't supposed to come back." I'd rather he didn't remember me like this. So pale and hollow with dark circles under my blood shot eyes. So lifeless.

"Alice had a vision," He states simply. I nod. Of course she did. God forbid I die in relative peace.

"It doesn't matter. I'm going to die. You aren't going to save me. I don't want to be saved. I don't want to be a burden on your family. I don't want my husband to hate me." I see Edward's eye dart down but his face doesn't change when he sees the tattoo and silver band. He only nods, as if he accepts my decision. I know he doesn't. Nobody really does. I should fight. I should live. Because the alternative? Well no one likes that idea.

But it's creeping ever closer and I find myself okay with death. Okay with dying. I've had a good life. I've lived, I've loved, I've lost and I've loved again.

Edward suddenly thrusts a letter in my hands and I recognize Jacob's scrawl.

I love you. No matter what. Choose life.

I didn't know if he meant to choose to stay alive until I died, or to die in order to stay alive. I looked at Edward, "I don't want to die tonight. One way or the other." He nodded and suddenly I was in his arms. And we were flying. I knew it would be the meadow before we got there.

I opened my eyes as Edward sat me on a bench. His piano was in the middle of the meadow. He sat beside me and ran his fingers over the keys and I sighed. I knew this song.

**And I'd give up forever to touch you**

**'Cause I know that you feel me somehow**

**You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be**

**And I don't want to go home right now**

**And all I can taste is this moment**

**And all I can breathe is your life**

**Cause sooner or later it's over**

**I just don't want to miss you tonight**

**And I don't want the world to see me**

**'Cause I don't think that they'd understand**

**When everything's made to be broken**

**I just want you to know who I am**

**And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming**

**Or the moment of truth in your lies**

**When everything feels like the movies**

**Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive**

**And I don't want the world to see me**

**'Cause I don't think that they'd understand**

**When everything's made to be broken**

**I just want you to know who I am**

I knew it was coming and I didn't turn towards him, "I won't forgive you," I said.

"I won't forgive myself." And before I could blink his teeth tore open my skin and hot blood ran down my neck. I felt the delicious pull of Edwards' mouth for a few seconds. And then the burning started.


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